by Don Bull and Al Chase

written in a Chicago bar March 9, 1993

Did you hear about the corkscrew that was committed to the insane asylum because it had a screw loose?
Corkscrews idea of a night out is a screwball.
Do you know what the chauffer who takes corkscrews to the screwball is called?.....A screwdriver.
What dance do corkscrews do? ... The Twist
Why does the female corkscrew like the male corkscrew? ... Helix.
What do you call two gay corkscrews? ... Double Helix.
What did one corkscrew say to the other? Get any good cork lately?
The corkscrew came home from work and complained to his wife "I'm tired of going around in circles all day." She responded "All you do is wine (whine)."
One corkscrew asked another "Name a good Jewish wine." The other responded "Aaaabbieee, take meee to Miiiiami!"
With what words does one corkscrew insult another? ... "Get Bent"
What did the horny Catholic corkscrew say? ... "Give me a little Blue Nun."
How many Polish corkscrews does it take to open a bottle of wine?... Two to hold the bottle and one to pull the cork.
Why did the Polish corkscrew lose his job? ... He went straight.
What did the corkscrew say to the cork? ... "Won't you come out with me tonight?"
How do you make a cork screw? ...Start with a half hour of foreplay and a bottle of wine.
How are a corkscrew and a masturbator alike? ...They both pull it.
How are a corkscrew and a chicken alike? ...They both poulet.
A corkscrew jumped out of an airplane. He pulled the parachute rip cord and nothing happened. While descending he passed a cork ascending and called out "Do you know anything about parachutes?" The cork yelled back "Do you know anything about opening champagne?"

November 2, 1998. Got any corkscrew jokes? There aren't a lot of additions submitted to this page. Here's one, however, that just came in Frank Marshall (

A man repeatedly asks out a beautiful young woman he works with. She says no at first, but finally agrees. "You can pick me up at eight on Friday," she says, "but you have to bring me a corkscrew."

"Well, okay," he says, puzzled. Friday night comes, and he arrives at her house with a corkscrew. She thanks him, opens a drawer in a desk which is already full of corkscrews, and drops the new one in. At the restaurant, the man's curiosity finally gets the better of him. "I'm sorry, but I have to know. What's the story on these corkscrews?"

She smiles at him and answers, "I know that you men ask me out just because I'm pretty. I know that in twenty years my looks will be gone and men won't be interested in me anymore. But I also know that there's nothing a CCCC member won't do for a corkscrew."

Lynn Balvin ( (Lynne Balvin) read the corkscrew jokes and called her partner in jokesterism in Hawaii - Richard. Richard immediately came up with this one:

This young good-looking guy gets thrown into prison. He instantly gets attacked by the other inmates, and he is miserable. Every night...same thing...attacked by the other inmates. He thinks and finally comes up with a solution and calls out to the prison guard: "Hey, get me a cork, screw!"

...and here are a couple from Germany...

Unser Bundes-Helmut ist bei Mitterand zu Gast. Der Wein fliesst in Stroemen, und als die nur noch die letzte Flasche übrig ist, geht Mitterrand in den Keller, um für Nachschub zu sorgen und beauftragt Helmut, die letzte Flasche aufzumachen. Als er wieder aus dem Keller zurückkommt, sieht er, wie der Kohl mit dem Korkenzieher auf dem Etikett rumbohrt. "Macht man bei euch in Deutschland die Flaschen nicht oben am Korken auf?" "Doch, aber hier auf dem Etikett steht doch: Bohr doh!?"
Der Butler zu Mylord: "Mylord ich bemerken dürfte: Als ich Mylady das Frühstuck brachte, lag ein anderer Herr bei Mylady im Bett..." Mylord sagt keinen Ton, greift das Schwert and der Wand und geht nach oben. 2 Minuten später...Mylord kommt von oben..."James! Für den anderen Herrn ein Pflaster, fur Mylady einen Korkenzieher und fur mich die Times...!"

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