The Virtual Corkscrew Museum's Daily Newspaper
Friday, July 4, 2003
Independence Day is the national holiday of the United States of America commemorating the signing of the Declaration of Independence by the Continental Congress on July 4, 1776, in Philadelphia, Pennsylvania.
Out, Out, Damn Cork
From Reader Poor Alf Erickson
Fort Lauderdale, Florida - Today's attack began just as the sun had passed just below the top of my westernmost palm tree (about 6pm).
My last attempt to remove a cork from a bottle of wine using the legendary 'banging' technique was on a bottle of Pinot Grigio (2002 Cavit Collection). As you know, hundreds of beatings failed to budge the cork even a millimeter. And, based on that, I concluded that the 'legend' was but a myth. But, many of The Daily Screw readers faulted me for using an Italian shipper who was notorious for stuffing his bottles with tight corks. Fair cop!
But, surely the French have a proper (if not even a totally religious) respect for wine, corks, proper bottling! So, using one of their bottles for my next test would be like going to the Vatican for advice on the etiquette of papal ascendancy: an infallible answer. Agreed? Given that...a Sancerre (2002) from the Domaine Vincent Delaporte was chosen to next meet my bruised tree.
One hundred thumps: Nothing. A hundred more: Zip. Three hundred, the total: Not a bit.
Another hundred: The same. After 500 thumps on my tree: Not even one damn millimeter.
Dozens have sworn to have seen the Loch Ness Monster; scores have claimed to have been fertilized by aliens from space....and some of us have crossed-their-hearts-to-God that they have seen a cork popped from its place by banging on the butt. PLEASE PROVE IT!
Scarred for Life
Frustrated in Florida,
The Alf Corkscrew Foundation
Editor: Dear Readers, It seems that poor Alf is apt to go on and on destroying precious trees if he isn't stopped soon. The Daily Screw, therefore, is establishing The Alf Corkscrew Foundation in order to supply him with an assortment of corkscrews for opening any bottle, any time. Corkscrew donations may be mailed to:
- The Alf Corkscrew Foundation
- c/o Don Bull
- P. O. Box 596
- Wirtz VA 24184, USA
All corkscrew donations will be publsihed and acknowledged in The Daily Screw. We will ask Alf to test every corkscrew and stop destroying our natural resources.
©2003 Don Bull, Editor